I’m feeling lowkey stressed out and unregulated. Last week was Startup Grind, which I loved, and then Thursday I went to my friend’s immigrant pitch day and Friday was AI INFRA. I think I do conferences differently than most people, probably more like what a VC scout would do so I end up talking to as many booths as my energy will allow me. I have booth FOMO because I’m data hungry, but that’s expensive and in true builder fashion I tell myself I can sleep when I’m dead.

I’ve been feeling slightly sick for the past two weeks, mostly energy depleted. I have a ton of real life things I have to take care of too. I’m inside the sandwich generation, so naturally I choose this time to build something for myself. Someone around me is always going to need something though so if I don’t do something now I might never do it.

Curse of the eldest Asian daughter let me tell you. The worst part about this curse btw, is that your family expects you to do this without complaint because “IT’S YOUR DUTY AS THE ELDEST DAUGHTER.” What kind of horseshit is that? There’s six of us on my dad’s side and two of us on my mom’s side but the person they call is me. Whenever I tell them to ask someone else because [INSERT LEGITIMATE REASON HERE] they give me some shit like, “I can’t trust your siblings,” or “You’re the only one who can do this right” or “Tell me what to do” which is the worst option and ends up being even more complicated because now you have to project manage the entire thing and THEY won’t do it without complaint even though you have to. I can’t tell you how many times shit like this has gotten fucked up when I try to manage it like this so most of the time it’s faster and safer (for them) for me just to do it myself. I don’t know about other families but when you’re a fixer for your family they don’t think downstream, they think “Rhea Lynn will fix this” and it doesn’t matter if you are busy, in a meeting, just came out of the hospital giving birth after having preeclampsia and had to be under observation for three days because you’re a seizure risk (true story), etc. I actually ended up with congestive heart failure and my family will still last minute call me with shit. The crazy thing is my labs were clean and my doctor said, “I notice your heart rate doesn’t go under triple digits.” Yeah, that’s what happens when your life has been on fire since birth. Weaponized incompetence is a real thing here. The consequences are not just medical or financial, emotional threat is weaponized heavily as well.

You wanna know why I can move so fast in ambiguous environments with little to no direction and a shrinking budget? My family has been training me my whole life for this. My dad has dementia now though so free pass.

Since I’m feeling off, and sick, I actively tried my best not to do a lot of work. I take my dopamine regulation seriously, especially after my CHF diagnosis. I taught my kid how to make soap, so we spent the afternoon mixing dye and fragrance into soap cubes and then pouring them into molds. I rearranged some of the kitchen and played some ukulele. I have all these things I do for dopamine farming but dumping cognitive load from the a constant stream of emergencies due to incompetence or straight up malice from my family is what I really need.

In other news, I ghosted this super cute guy for a month and then finally texted him that I was going to something he was going to and now I don’t know what’s going on. I never think anyone wants anything to do with me (thanks childhood trauma!) in either a work or relationship sense and I’m seriously trying my best to fix it. My friend was basically like, “no shit, he probably felt rejected.” When I show them all his messages they’re like “omg what are you doing?” and I was like I thought he just wanted to be friends? Look I said I was bad at this OK? D:!

Honestly, the most amusing part of my day lol!

Soaps made: ~ 35
Dance parties needed: 1
Dance parties had: 1
Times I was tired: A lot
Times I was thankful: A lot plus one