A while back I was invited to interview over 80 women over three days for an upcoming event. Since I was the interviewer, in order to get my interview, the videographer’s wife interviewed me. It was busy, hectic, and honestly, amazing. It was supposed to be for women empowerment. The funding atmosphere is skewed, so it’s good to talk about this problem.

I got a lot of hugs! And we joked around. Some of them said they were scared and that afterwards it was easy. One person said, “Your face was very calming to look at.” This was a legit production, the videographer was amazing and he had the clapper and everything. He would always tell the interviewees that clapping it was optional but I would always shout “No! It’s not optional! You have to do it!” On day three he started telling people it wasn’t optional and I laughed and said, “It only took him three days to figure it out. I don’t know when to start otherwise,” and I’d shrug. Sometimes when things got too loud his wife would shout “QUIET ON THE SET!” like damn we legit-legit.

I wasn’t part of the decision making here and it wasn’t my event. I was just doing interviews and I love it anyway and here was my chance to be part of this amazing set of women also! But sometimes, things go on behind the scenes and sometimes they get messy. For reasons I can only speculate about, somehow after all that, I got cut out of everything.

I think most people don’t do things out of malice, even if the actions look malicious. Most people do things out of fear. Like fear of losing control or credit or money. It’s not usually personal, and I don’t think it is in this case either, but I feel bad for the other person and I hope things work out for them in way that brings them peace.

Maybe this is going to sound weird but, I don’t actually care about the credit, HOWEVER it would have been cool to get the [REDACTED] that the other participants got, since I was part of it too. Or so I thought anyway. Honestly, it would be hard to want credit after all this because it feels yucky now, so on some level I’m actually relieved that I was removed. On another level I wonder about what it must be like to go through all that footage and erase the existence of another person when there are traces of me in each interview since I conducted them. I’m not confrontational much anyway, but I’m not sure the cognitive expense would be worth it. Like I said, sometimes the best thing is to wish them peace and move on.

In the meantime though, for three whole days I got to be surrounded by the highs and lows of these amazing women, and the energy was electric and beautiful and joyful and stressful, but oh, I would always do it again, credit or no credit, just for the experience. I don’t know how to explain it, but there is something about watching the strength of someone and their hopes and dreams pouring out and the magic that got them there and the magic that keeps them going and getting to be a part of that conversation. Times that by 80+! It is something I will never forget! I am honestly, so very honored, and so very lucky, that I got to be the one to witness their stories. Someone teared up a tiny bit during one interview and then I was like oh no, I might start too, help!

I can’t help but be amused by the irony that this is supposed to be an event for female empowerment, and yet here we are. After the interviews, one of the women reached out about her own research and experience, and then I heard even more from some of the other women about their experiences. It’s not unique, it’s sad, and I think a lot of us get surprised because it’s something that happens from people that we expect support from so now it feels like betrayal in addition to whatever the tangible issue is.

Someday people will find this and it will be just another one of those stories about that time something happened to someone. The internet has a long memory but a short one at the same time. But then maybe someone might find this and read this and think, oh, this is something similar that happened to me and this is how they dealt with it. And then maybe it will help them.

Every experience is data and this is the same.

I feel lucky that I never felt the need to do that to someone.

Times I felt lucky today: 2